I, Remus Lupin
by UndeniablyMe
Summary: I'm not exceptionally brave like Sirius or extraordinarily selfless like James is... but tonight the battle for Hogwarts is taking place and I, Remus Lupin, have a confession to make. Remus's thoughts during the last battle


**I, Remus John Lupin**

A Story by UndeniablyMe

**A/n: **So, this is actually a very sad melancholy piece that hit me whilst I was browsing devianart and I saw a picture that one of the artists had drawn of a fighter being welcomed home. The idea is mine, just boosted by the brilliance of that artist who I thank will all my heart for the inspiration! And now, so I don't spoil the rest, here's the story. See you at the bottom!

-UndeniablyMe

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I'm not exceptionally brave like Sirius or extraordinarily selfless like James is... but tonight the battle for Hogwarts is taking place. _And __I have a confession to make._

I, Remus John Lupin, am afraid.

Just outside those doors, a war is raging through the halls that once were a paradise to me and my friends. Just outside this room, this last safe haven that will ever serve the inhabitants of this castle, people are _dying_, and all I can do is stand here, immovable, and reflect on what my life has been and what it could've been.

When I was a small boy I received a bite from a werewolf and it is what changed my life forever. It made me shy and guarded, it made me accustomed to pain and it became my greatest fear. It was everything that was horrible and bad in my world. It shaped me and molded me. It burdened me and broke me.

And yet… It brought _them_. My friends; my brothers.

I can close my eyes and see them, as we were, so many years ago.

There was James, who had never been truly completed until he found Lily, who emanated such confidence and security that you couldn't help but feel good around him. James had been a one in a million find, willing to lay down his life for his friends without a second glance, and there would never be another like him. He had been my best mate, my best confidant, and so much more than a friend. He was a brother, through thick and thin.

James Potter was a light in the dark times, a leader and a great comfort. When times got rough you could always look to James for support and quicker than you could say _Quidditch, _he was at your side to hold you up. There were long painful transformations spent with him in a time of happiness that no amount of spellwork, potion or money could ever recreate.

I miss James more than words can express.

And there was Sirius with his knowing look he gave you when he caught your eye, his unearthly grace, natural charisma, and an easy grin that would break across his face whenever Marlene McKinnon danced by. I can remember things so _Sirius_ that, even now, I still manage a smile.

Sirius was like James in that had never loved more than one girl in his life. No, not like he'd loved Marlene McKinnon. You could see it in the way he treated her, as if she were a breakable porcelain doll that he wasn't sure if he should admire from afar or hold tightly to keep it safe. If nothing else, Marlene was as free as Sirius, and holding onto her was like holding onto the wind as it raced through your outstretched hands.

He had always loved a challenge. It was why he loved Marlene. Its why, when the Order of the Phoenix had been formed, he had fought with everything he had to keep the group away from her. Its why when she was murdered, a part of him died with her. It's why he never mentioned her name after she was gone. It's the reason that, that horrible night at the Ministry Sirius went after his cousin Bellatrix for what she'd done. And it's the reason that Sirius let Bellatrix kill him.

Sirius had fought his fight, and he knew it. He was never one to leave willingly, he was never one to leave without a fight, but he knew. And Marlene was calling him from behind the veil. James was calling him.

There would be no other choice for Sirius; the two people he loved most were calling for him, and he couldn't help it. I don't begrudge Sirius for allowing himself to be taken out of the game, because heaven knows how much that man deserved rest from this world. I begrudge him for making me miss him, for both James and him leaving me as the last Marauder standing with the traitor.

I know there's a fight coming, but for a moment, I need to remember. I need to say goodbye, and so I leave, quietly, before the real fight has begun. Before _my _fight begins.

I leave and apparate away, under the pretense that I'm going to find more Order members. No one questions me. No one thinks that I may be leaving to run for my life. Maybe I am… Maybe I'm just looking to hide.

And maybe I'm more like Peter then I'd like to say…

I apparate to Number 12 Grimauld Place and slip in easily past the jinxes and protective spells. No one is out in the street watching as is usual; they're all at the castle ready to begin fighting, where I should be.

I make my way up the stairs to Sirius's room, where the last remaining picture of the Marauders rests, stuck permanently forever to the wall. And, as I light my wand to see the picture, it really hits me that this is the end. I may or may not make it past all of this, but whether it's for better or for worse, it would end tonight.

Were these the thoughts that ran through James's mind as he stood in the way of the Dark Lord and his family? Was he as scared senseless as I am? Was he as unwilling to die as I am? Would he have taken a way out, _any _way out, if it meant that he'd live?

No. Not James. James was ready for death. Sirius had been ready for death. I wasn't. I'm not ready.

I look at the picture, four boys grinning back at me and immortalized in an eternal summer's day, and think of what had been. What could've been.

_It's wrong, _I think to myself, hunched over the picture of us four in Sirius's room—the one he permanently stuck to the wall, the only thing that will ever prove that the Marauders ever walked the earth. _It's wrong that James didn't get to see Harry become what he is. It's wrong that him and Lily didn't get to live to see their grandchildren. It's wrong that Sirius spent his life locked up when his spirit was so free and its wrong that Peter betrayed us so… It's wrong…_

I look up to the ceiling, my heart aching, and say aloud, "Dear God, what has become of us? What _will _become of us…?" And then, softer, I say, "What will become of _me?_"

Because, I haven't told anyone, but I am afraid. I, Remus John Lupin, am afraid of what comes next. When the words _the end _are penned at the finish of my story I cringe because I do not know what is to happen then.

I weep there, in Sirius's musty forgotten room, and I pray to that higher being, the one who makes us all we are, and ask that, if nothing else, James is somewhere where he can be with Lily forever—James would like that and nothing would make him as happy as holding Lily forever in his arms—and that Sirius is somewhere he can be _free, _chasing Marlene for as long as he likes... I ask that Peter, as angry and as much disappointment as I feel towards him, be granted mercy for his crimes. And, lastly I ask that, if I do die tonight, that somehow what I have coming for me _won't _be the end. I ask that there's something more, for everyone.

I apparate back to the castle after having been gone for only a quarter of an hour. I can't allow myself anymore time, because the war has started. The last battle has begun.

I am to lead a strike force out onto the grounds to battle the death eaters congregating there. This will be the last stand and I still don't know if I'm ready. Fear curls my stomach, slows my mind and sends shivers down my spine. I can't do this… I _can't_.

But I swallow the fear. I pull a Sirius and charge out there, my head held high and my fear hidden deep inside where no one can see, where no one will find it. I pray that, if I do meet my end, that my life will have made a difference in this fear ridden world that I live in. I pray that my little Nymph will live if it is God's will that I die. I pray that God won't take away both of Theodore's parents, but the decision is no longer mine to make. It never was, but the thought of them dying chills me to the bone.

I pull a James and face it anyways, shoulders back, knowing that my wife and child stand behind me and—if it is so that there's nothing I can do for them, laying down my life for them is the least I can do. The fear that I didn't do everything in my power to put them before me is greater than my fear of what comes next.

I told my Dora to take Teddy and hide him, to stay with him, and if it came to it, to run with him but I could see it in Dora's eyes when I said goodbye. She will not run; she will not hide. I've waited so long to find someone like her, someone so open and trusting and as simply beautiful as she is… She will stand by me though and I can feel her presence racing to my side in my time of need. I should've known that my Dora would never listen to me…

I love her. I'm afraid to leave her. Heaven would never be heaven without my Dora.

And around me the battle rages even greater. I can hear screams of the fallen, of the dying and of the innocent. Death rears its ugly head and reaches out to clutch as many people as it can. It rakes over me once, twice, three times. I know I can't be so lucky that it will miss a fourth, because Death is angry, and Death wants me. Just as it claimed my brothers it has come for me.

A dizzying blast of light knocks me to the ground and I know Death has found me.

_Him, _that one death eater that I have never been able to beat and now will never get the chance to, stands over me and looks down into my eyes. Antonin Dolohov with Bellatrix Black at his side, her once pretty face twisted into one of sardonic glee and excitement. They've killed so many people. Why should I be any different?

The look on Dolohov's face is nothing less than that of something of pure evil as he brandishes his wand down at me like a whip and the light sparks at the end of his wand. I hear Dora's scream as she has made it to my side at last. It reverberates in my mind as she yells for me over and over again, "Remus, no!! No, Remus, no!" and I close my eyes tightly, waiting for the end.

_I have a confession to make._

I, Remus John Lupin, am afraid to die, and Death has finally caught up with me.

But it doesn't matter anymore, because I can see the end; the light at the end of the tunnel. Death isn't as frightening as I had thought it'd be. When Death is stripped down, he really is nothing. Lonely, and sad, but almost like falling asleep… Yes, just like falling asleep after a very, very _long _day.

I go to a place where rain is falling, but I am not afraid. There's nothing around me, nothing but a clear white fog, and all is blurry, but somehow I know I must wait for what is coming to me, and so I sit, waiting. I know that without a doubt I am dead.

And now… I see two figures, blurry and out of focus as if I am looking through a fogged window, but they become clearer every moment. And, each moment that I study the outlines walking towards me, I recognize more and more about them.

One of them has fly away hair that can never be tamed, a bounce in his step, and the other has hair that falls into his eyes easily and a swagger that can't be missed. One wears glasses and the other teases him about the glasses as they walk side by side, peaceful and easy going as if there is all the time in the world to make it to my side. Where they walk the rain stops and the image becomes sharper as if they are shedding light on the whole scene.

In a way they are, because these are two people I know very, _very_ well.

The boy with fly away jet black hair and glasses grins at me and the boy at his side gives a sharp bark of laughter as he flips his bangs out of his face. And I know, without a doubt, that I needn't be afraid. Because the higher being had heard my prayer and assures me that there is something after my previous life has fallen away.

Sirius reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder, James grins.

"Messers Padfoot and Prongs would like to welcome Mr. Moony _home_."

_And now… I have a confession to make._

I, Remus John Lupin am gone. But I am no longer afraid.

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**A/n: **So I put a lot of emotion into this and I want to know what you all think. A link to the picture that inspired this is located in my profile so if you want to see that, feel free to go there to see it. Don't forget to read and review! Thanks all!

-UndeniablyMe


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